It's your birthday!

Dear Natalie,
Today is your first birthday. Last year, before you were born, things were not so happy and pleasant. I remember the feeling of contentment I had before drifting off to sleep the night before. It all came crashing down.
It was around two in the morning when the pain in my belly started again. My blood pressure had sky-rocketed again. I finally called your dad around 3, because I couldn't breathe very well due to the pain and I was scared. He didn't answer the phone the first time I called. (He is a pretty heavy sleeper.) I gave him a few minutes and called again, this time he answered. My nurses kept coming in and giving me different things to bring down my BP, but nothing was working. I was given some anti-nausea medicine when we were sure the only way to get me better was to deliver. It didn't work very well. Apparently, I throw up when I am in a lot of pain. Daddy finally got to my room around 4 a.m., and all I could do when he got there was cry, throw up and urinate all over myself. It was a mess...I was a mess. I had no control over anything. I tried moving in different positions to relieve the pain, but nothing was working. The NICU nurse came in around 6 a.m. to explain what would happen after our sweet girl was born. I was crying so hard, I don't remember what she said. Dad had to sign all the papers. Finally around 7 a.m., my nurse gave me some pain medicine, and I immediately relaxed. I just laid back on my bed and focused on breathing. Daddy went into the bathroom to say a prayer and shed some tears. This was really hard on him, too.
The pain meds were wearing off after only 30 minutes, and I begged for more. I received 3 doses of the mystery drug, about every half hour. They were only suppose to give me 1 dose every hour. I remember Dr. Smith coming in during my relaxing phase. He told Dad that I needed to be delivered. He was afraid of my kidneys shutting down, or my liver exploding. (Nice, right?) When the third dose of happiness started to wear off, I was being wheeled into the OR. Right then, in that moment, I finally stopped being mad at Dr. Howerton, who had insisted that Dustyn be a C-section. I was not afraid of this delivery. I knew what was going to happen, and I knew I would heal quickly and without much pain. Right then, I was so glad Dustyn was a C-section.
I will never forget the moment I heard you cry. It was the most beautiful sound in the world. Daddy took some pictures and video, and then carried you over to me and I got to kiss your little head before he took you into the NICU.
I slept most of the day. I was wheeled in to hold you later that night, and I couldn't get over how small you were, how perfect. You were deemed the champion of the NICU. You never needed a feeding tube or oxygen. You were strong...a fighter. I don't understand now, and maybe I never will, why you needed to come early. I do know there is a purpose for you on this earth. I only hope I'm qualified to help you reach your full potential.
Today, you are happy and healthy. You are so beautiful! I love the way your hair curls when it's wet. I love how your siblings still refer to you as "Baby Natalie". I love how they giggle every time you let out a loud scream. I love that you spit your tongue at me when I try to get you to say "Momma", but say "Dada" perfectly. I love you, baby girl. I am so grateful for your little personality and the sweet spirit you bring into our home. Happy birthday!

Love,
Mom

False Hope

Dear Natalie,
January 4th 2011 was the best day in the hospital so far. My lab results were holding steady. I was taken off the mag the night before, and was feeling much MUCH better. Your dad brought the kids to see me, and it was a very happy reunion. I've missed them terribly. We all had dinner together; cuddled on the bed; played a game. Life was normal, except for the hospital part. The doctor told me that if my labs stayed steady, they would send me home when we hit the 34 week marker...only 9 more days!!! I was so positive that things would go my way. My doctor reminded me that things would probably get worse before they got any better. But, he was just the doctor. What does he know? Didn't he realize I was in control of my body and things would go my way? Your heartbeat has been steady and true, reminding me that getting you here healthy is most important.
I just can't describe the feeling when I was moved from a delivery room to a recovery room to wait out my stay. I felt as though I was on the path home, still pregnant and awaiting your arrival. I didn't even have any baby clothes washed or the cradle set up. I was NOT ready for you to come early, physically or mentally, and things were looking up.

Hind sight is always 20/20.

KRMC Day 2

Dear Natalie,
Today in 2011 was pretty uneventful. I was kept on magnesium and given the second dose of the steroid shot. Being on the mag, I wasn't allowed to move around. Being in bed got old really fast. I had a few visitors. My lab work showed that I was stable, but not improving. My doctor came in and told me to continue to expect to have to be delivered within the next couple of days. He said it was very rare for women who have severe pre-eclampsia to get better without delivering. The biggest comfort was the steady beeping of your heart monitor. I was starting to feel better, and hoping and praying that you would get to grow in my belly for a few more weeks. Only time would tell.

Dear Natalie

Dear Natalie,
Your birthday is in three days. Although you are a healthy, happy, sweet little girl, we didn't always know that life would go back to "normal". It was one year ago today I was admitted into KRMC, diagnosed with severe pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure had spiked around 7:00 that morning, and as your dad and I drove to the hospital, nothing could have prepared me for the probability of your being born 8 weeks early. I remember that day was a Sunday. The doctor told us to "prepare ourselves". I fought the tears. Your dad gave me a blessing before I was officially admitted. He blessed both of us that we would be ok, and that everything would turn out for the best. After they moved me to my room, the nurses immediately started an IV and I was given a steady drip of magnesium to help control my BP, and a steroid shot to develop your lungs. Dad needed to go to work, and I was left alone with my thoughts to keep me company. I let the tears flow as I wondered what the immediate future would hold. I worried about you. I wondered if you would be healthy and strong if you needed to come now. I cried for your brothers and sister. I missed them so much and I didn't know if they would understand why I wasn't there with them. I was worried about getting to deliver VBAC, or if it was going to have to be an emergency C-section. Last of all, I wondered if I would get to stay on earth with you and Daddy and our family. I struggled all day with keeping my thoughts positive, trying to remember the blessings I had been given and the promises that were made.
Truthfully, Natalie, I didn't think today would be so hard. I thought I was getting over the trauma of your birth. But on Sept 30th, when Emily fractured her skull and needed to stay at KRMC over-night, I realized I was still struggling. I was just doing a good job of pushing it back. I think I slept 2 hours that night. Between worrying about Emily and thinking about you, there was little chance of sleep. The smell of the soap reminded me of when we would have to scrub in before going to hold you in the NICU. I kept waiting for her heart monitor alarm to go off, like yours did every time you forgot to breathe. I even recognized a few of the nurses who helped take care of you during those weeks until you came home. I watched movies all night, which kept me from drowning in the memories. The next morning, I called your dad and almost begged him to bring you to me. I needed to smell your skin, feel your warmth, see you smile. He couldn't bring you to me...I had the car with all the car seats. I was suffocating, struggling to keep my composure. I finally got to hold you at 3:00 that afternoon.
I'm going to write you a letter everyday until your birthday. Even though you are sleeping peacefully in your bedroom, this is meant to be more of a therapy session than a documentary. It's not something I would print and put in your scrapbook. Who knows, maybe one day you'll find comfort in the knowledge that even your momma's life isn't perfect and I do understand what you're going through. I love you, my sweet Natalie.

Until tomorrow.

The Gratitude Challenge

In this months issue of the Ensign, there is a challenge to the youth to write 100 things they are thankful for. It is broken up into 10 different categories. I decided it would be good for me to take the challenge also. Here it goes...

1. Write 10 physical abilities you are grateful for.
*Sight
*Hearing
*My hair
*Being able to move without pain
*The ability to talk clearly
*Walking
*10 fingers and 10 toes
*Being able to have children
*Being able to use my brain
*The ability to take care of my children

2. Write 10 material possessions you are grateful for.
*My cello
*My car
*The internet
*Good movies
*My computer
*My Anita Stansfield collection
*My cell phone
*My clothes
*Flip-flops
*OPI polish

3. Write 10 living people you are grateful for.
*Mom
*Dad
*Josh
*Marianne
*Keith
*Braxton
*Dustyn
*Emily
*Natalie
*Chad & Leah (Their married, so they count as one, right?)

4. Write 10 deceased people you are grateful for.
*Jesus Christ
*Grandma Bennett
*Grandpa Bennett
*Grandma Bateman
*Kallie Ann
*Jeremy (Josh's little brother)
*Gordon B. Hinckley
*Joseph Smith
*Nephi
*Emma Smith

5. Write 10 things about nature you are grateful for.
*Sunsets
*Sunrises
*Snow (within reason)
*Falling leaves
*The moon
*Stars
*Mountains
*White roses
*Animals (except snakes)
*Trees

6. Write 10 things about today you are grateful for.
*Relief Society tonight :)
*I get to play my cello
*Braxton made it to the bus on time.
*My kids woke up happy
*There are only 12 days until Christmas.
*Spark
*The ability to exercise
*Getting to make music with friends.
*Taking a shower
*Putting on make-up :)

7. Write 10 places on earth you are grateful for.
*The Columbia River Temple
*Malad, ID
*Burbank, WA
*Pasco, WA
*Rexburg, ID
*Brigham City, UT
*Holden, UT
*Australia (I'm gonna go there...someday)
*My home
*The Bountiful Temple

8. Write 10 modern inventions you are grateful for.
*Cell phones
*Computers
*The internet
*Portable DVD players
*GPS in my car
*Blue-tooth
*Air conditioners
*Digital scrapbooking
*Washing machines
*Cameras

9. Write 10 foods you are grateful for.
*Pizza
*Boneless chicken wings
*Spaghetti
*Minestrone soup, salad and bread sticks from the Olive Garden.
*Marianne's homemade chicken noodle soup
*BBQ chicken
*Homemade salsa
*Daddy's shrimp dip
*Chicken fajita salad
*Strawberries

10. Write 10 things about the gospel you are grateful for.
*Eternal families
*Christs birth
*The Atonement
*General conference
*Relief Society
*The scriptures
*Temples
*Modern revelation
*Modern prophets
*Missionary work

Some categories were much easier to come up with than others, but I love having a physical list of the things I am grateful for. I encourage you to take the challenge! Some of your answers may surprise you. :)

The Lord Is My Shepherd

I play my grandmother's cello in an orchestra named "String Harmony". Currently we are practicing for an Easter program at the Coyote Ridge Correctional Facility. One of the numbers we are rehearsing is Todd McCabe and April Moriarty's version of "The Lord Is My Shepherd". I have played this before with my mother and older sister. It is my mom's favorite hymn. As I was practicing tonight, I thought of my mom and all the amazing qualities she has that she has passed on to me. She has an undeniable testimony and love of the Savior that radiates in everything she does. She taught me how to gain a testimony of my own and to trust in the Lord and let Him guide me through life. She has a passion for music which she (and my dad) passed onto all their children. Most have carried it into their adult lives. My mom let me take Grandma Bateman's cello to BYU-Idaho with me and even paid for me to take private lessons. Since then, this cello has gone everywhere I have. It is one of my most prized possessions and I will always be grateful to have music in my blood. I am grateful for my mom. I hope she knows I love her and is proud of who I have become. Whenever I hear or play "The Lord Is My Shepherd" I think of my mom and know that I have a place for her in my heart, and take her wherever I go.

I'm Not Feeling The Itch

Two days ago, Josh and I celebrated our 7th anniversary. I've heard the expression "7 year itch", meaning that after 7 years people tend to re-evaluate their relationship. To be honest I've been afraid of this anniversary. I was afraid feelings would change, minds would be changed, and our eternal family would change. I am very happy to report that the only change I feel for my sweet, loving husband is a deeper respect and a love more meaningful than anything I could have ever hoped for. Josh is my soul-mate, my eternal companion. He makes me want to be better, to keep myself worthy to be his wife forever. When we were sealed, I remember thinking that I couldn't possibly love him more. Throughout the challenges we've faced and overcome I have found a love greater than I imagined existed. I know that our trials are far from over. But I also know that we make a great team and will continue to deal with life - together.

My Biggest Trial (so far)

I think I'm finally ready to put my thoughts into blog form. Although I am still struggling with some aspects of this, I really think that getting this out of my system will be therapeutic for me.
I was admitted into Kadlec Medical Center on January 2 due to pre-eclampsia. The symptoms came much earlier with this pregnancy than with my first. Originally Josh and I went to the hospital because I was having severe pain in my stomach that was shooting to my right shoulder. I usually don't google symptoms, but I needed something to get my mind off the pain while I waited for Josh and Marianne to get to home. I thought it was gall stones. When the doctor told me how high my blood pressure was, and that the pre-ecalmpsia had now become severe and I was being admitted with the probability of delivering within the next 24 to 48 hours, I was in shock. I was not prepared for that kind of diagnosis, let alone the thought of delivering 7 1/2 weeks early. The words of the blessing our stake president gave me went through my mind, and for a moment I felt that I had been lied to. He said everything would turn out ok, that this pregnancy would go the way we wanted it to. At the time of the blessing I thought the pregnancy and delivery would go as smoothly as Emily's had. I realized I had to redefine "ok" and decide what I really wanted. "Ok" meant we would survive, and I really wanted to live. Josh gave me another blessing before I was officially admitted, and he blessed Natalie and myself that we would be fine and all would be well. It was a long day. I experienced so many emotions and thought of every possible scenario. I was put on magnesium, which meant I was stuck in my bed with nothing to do but think. I thought about my kids, and wondered how this would affect them. Who would take care of them during the day? How would Braxton get to school? Would they understand why their mom wasn't there with them? I thought about my husband. How would he handle work and playing single dad? Would he be able to pay the bills, help Braxton with his homework and get the kids to bed on time? Most of all, I thought about Natalie. When all was said and done, would she still be with us? How long would she have to be in the NICU? Would there be any long term effects?
Monday, January 3rd, went about the same. I slept a lot. My blood pressure was still high, but was staying consistent. My labs weren't getting worse. I had the second steroid shot to help Natalie's lungs develop in case she needed to be delivered early. Tuesday went much better. I felt so much better. My doctor said they would take me off the magnesium, and if things stayed the same they would keep me until I was 34 weeks, send me home and let whatever happens happen. He really didn't see that as a realistic goal, but that was the plan. I was so optimistic. I was almost 33 weeks, so I would only have to stay in the hospital for another 9 days. That night the nurses moved me from the labor/delivery room I was currently in, to a recovery room. Early Wednesday morning, my body took a turn for the worse. The pain came back in my stomach and shoulder. My blood pressure was threw the roof. I couldn't breath...I could barely think. I finally called Josh around 3:30 a.m. and told him I needed him to be there. He arrived an hour later, and I just kept going downhill. I started throwing up every so often, even though I didn't have anything left after a while. I couldn't control my bodily fluids. At 5:30 a.m., it was decided that I was going to have to be delivered. The NICU nurse came in around 6 a.m. to explain what would be done and how they would take care of Natalie, and I could only sob. I think Josh half listened to what she was saying, but I know he was very concerned for me. Finally around 7:30 a.m. my nurse was able to give me something to help with the pain. I was able to lay back and rest. It wore off much quicker that it should've, and I ended up getting 3 doses in an hour and a half. They were only suppose to give me one dose every hour at the earliest. Dr. Smith came in to explain to Josh why I was going to be delivered, and I realized how serious this pain was. Because of where the pain was, they were afraid of my liver exploding, in which case both Natalie and myself would probably die. They wheeled me into the operating room just after 9 in the morning. The pain was coming back pretty strong by this time, and I was ready for it to be over. I am very grateful to have had a C-Section. I knew what to expect and I could relax. I started to cry when I heard Natalie cry. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. She sounded so normal and healthy. The greatest blessing I received throughout this process is that Natalie was never in jeopardy. Her heart rate never dropped or accelerated. She was perfectly safe, to which I will always be grateful. Josh got to hold her and I got to kiss her face before she was taken to the NICU. I was stapled up and sent back to my room. Physically, I continued to improve. I was put back on the magnesium for a couple days to help regulate my blood pressure. I was sent home Saturday January 8th. It wasn't hard to leave Natalie in the hospital. As I healed and got feeling better, it became harder and harder to leave her there. I was ready to take care of her, and hated that I couldn't yet.
Emotionally I am still trying to heal. It's been very difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that it was MY fault Natalie came early. I hate that I had no control over that. I'm trying very hard to be grateful for the beautiful children we have, but sometimes I cry for the children I thought we would be able to have. I wasn't ready to be done, especially when I wasn't able to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy with Natalie. But, physically I know my body can't handle it. I hate knowing that I came very close to not being able to raise my children, and not having any control over it. I prayed desperately to be granted the opportunity to grow old with my husband and watch our family grow together.
I am so grateful that my time here on earth is not over, that I still have a purpose here. I am SO grateful that my precious little daughter was born a fighter, and she has thrived in her short month on this earth. I will be eternally indebted to those who eagerly volunteered to help my family, and continued to do so even after Natalie and I came home. I am grateful to a loving Father in Heaven who loves me and understands my concerns, my needs and my wants and does what is best for me. I may have questions at times as to why things happen the way they do, but I do not doubt that He knows and loves me and only has my best interests in mind.
I do not think the issues I am struggling with will go away quickly, but being able to write about it has helped immensely. If nothing else, it has helped me see the miracles that occured while I was sick, and appreciate the fact that I am better. "My (daughter), peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.” D&C 121:7-8

Where I Stand

There have been a couple issues on facebook that have been bothering me for a while. It's finally come to the point where I feel I need to "declare" myself and put it to rest. WARNING: These issues are sensitive. If you get offended easily, you should probably stop reading. Please note, however, this is just MY opinion and where I stand.
The first - whether or not to have your boys circumcised. Josh and I made the decision with Braxton to have the procedure done. I think the deciding factor was that it was a procedure done in the scriptures to show obedience to Christ. I know that there is no religious affiliation today, but we felt good about our decision and went ahead. He didn't cry any harder during the process than he did when he was getting immunizations. Dustyn was a little different. We were in the middle of changing pediatric clinics when he was born. By the time the issue came up, he was too old to be circumcised in the office. However, he was declared to have what's called a penial torsion, which made it "medically necessary" to have his foreskin removed. He was 11 months old when it was done. He was put under general anesthesia and came out of it just fine. From the research I've done, there may be a few more pros to having it done, but those pros don't really mean anything stacked against the cons. My problem stems from others who have very strong, aggressive opinions that suggest that I am an unworthy mother for letting this happen to my sons. Here's my thought on the matter. Whether you do, or whether you don't it's up to you. Don't act like you're protecting your son from a fate worse that death because you're not comfortable with the procedure. Claiming that your son is still "intact" suggests that my sons are missing something; that they are no longer whole. Bull. There are greater risks to having our children immunized. They cry just as hard. The effects of an allergic reaction could be deadly. I have to disagree to those who feel circumcision is barbaric. Come on, really? It's not like the doctors and parents come together for the intention of putting these boys threw "unspeakable pain" and laugh as the procedure is done. There is nothing wrong with parents who choose this for their sons...there is nothing wrong with parents who don't. There are greater injustices to blog about - how to protect our children from sexual predators; how to protect our nation from others who feel we are undeserving of all we have been blessed with. I understand that there are some who have had terrible experiences, and their sons may have not healed as well as mine. Share your story, share your opinion, but STOP looking down on others who choose differently than you.
Second - Babies: The Movie. I have seen about five seconds of this movie, and that was five seconds too much. Any movie with exposed body parts is not ok in my book. Some feel it is an accomplishment to let your children watch it and "not freak out" that there are naked women in it. This is where I stand. I am trying very hard to raise two worthy priesthood holders. Allowing them to see women baring all to nurse their babies is not going to help me in my quest. In my opinion, it's an innocent form of pornography. I understand that this movie was not made with the intention of arousing sexual feelings. It's simply a documentary on how mothers nurse in different cultures. But my sons are old enough that these images could stick in their heads, and have some very damaging effects later. This is also why we will never have Barbies in our home. My boys had the chance to play with cousins last weekend, and they were all playing with barbies. Watching them dress and undress these dolls was a very uncomfortable experience. They will have the opportunity to explore the female body when they are married. Naked dolls with a nice rack is not what my boys need to see or be around.
Alright, those are my issues and getting them out makes me feel much better. I'm not trying to start a debate, or cause hard feelings. I just felt I needed to declare where I stand. Now you know.

Mr. Braxton

Thursday was NOT a good day. I was trying to get the house clean, and needed to go grocery shopping. I had a parent/teacher conference I needed to attend also. My three sweet angels were not helping. I went to the conference, very pleased to hear how much Braxton is progressing. His school was having their book fair, so I bought a few books thinking about how my kids love getting new books. I handed them out in the car on the way to buy our groceries. We didn't last five minutes before contention hit. One wanted to trade, the others didn't. I made them share, and the others would get upset. We turned around and came home. I knew going anywhere with these feelings was only going to end in disaster. I made the kids come inside, and I locked myself in the bathroom and had a good cry. I've been battling a cold for about a week, and that combined with third trimester discomfort, sleep has been scarce. Braxton let me cry for about 10 minutes before he knocked on the door and told me we needed to talk about it. I unlocked the door, and we sat on the couch to talk. He let me know why he was upset, and I did the same. I had a thought that maybe part of the problem was that, since Braxton has been in school, I have felt disconnected somehow. So, I arranged for Dustyn and Emily to wait at Grandma's until Dad was done with work. Braxton and I went out. We ate Chinese food, and then he became my "big helper" and we got the shopping done. After we got home, he continued to shine. He made sure all the bags got brought in. I really needed that 1 on 1 time with him. He is such a sweet, caring boy, and I am so thankful to have him as the "Big Brother" to the rest of my children.

Pregnant...

Alright, so I was planning on getting my pre-pregnancy body back before having another baby. Ummm...too late! I discovered I was expecting Wednesday, June 23. I am SO tired. I can't remember being this tired with past pregnancies. I feel like there is something different about this pregnancy, and I can't really explain what. It's the same way I knew I was pregnant, even when the blood test came back negative. I just feel so different with this one. Maybe it's twins, maybe this baby will have special needs, maybe I'm just crazy...who knows. I'm just super excited to have another little one in our family. I think I'm the most excited about having a newborn. That is my favorite phase. I love how tiny babies are, how cuddly and dependant they are on their moms. I'm sure some people think we're nuts for having another one, but I know it's time. And I can't wait to find out the gender and feel him/her start kicking. I love how excited Braxton is and how he asks me about the baby every morning when he wakes up. I love this time of my life. I am not looking forward to getting old!!!

Music

I LOVE music. I love all different kinds of music. The only music I really don't like is rap, hard rock, anything raunchy and jazz. I have music everywhere...on my computer, on my phone, in every room of my house. Braxton and Dustyn fall asleep every night to primary songs, and as a result, they love to sing and know many songs by heart. Emily is starting to pick up on it, even though she doesn't know all the words. I am so grateful that I was born into a family who is musical, and that I inherited some of those gifts. I love that I can pass that onto my children. I'm glad that even though there are many members of my family, and we are all very different, the one thing we will always have in common is music.

Sisters

I really miss my sisters sometimes. I miss all the stupid things we use to do and talk about. I have 5 sisters. We are all married now with children and lives of our own. We don't keep in touch very well, and sometimes it's really hard. I miss living close to Venessa, who is one of my hero's. I miss living in Rexburg and spending quality time with Katrina...and our Sonic runs. I miss weekends in Salt Lake with Monique and Chinese food and all the things we use to do together. I miss sharing a room with Alicia and buying Totino's pizzas when the parents would go out of town. I miss cheering with Gayla, and being the dynamic duo. (Strange how most of my memories involve food...) We don't get the chance to get together very often, and when we do we're always chasing kids and dealing with the craziness of family. I hope they know I miss them, and love them very much. You could say I'm sappy and sentimental, but that doesn't change how I feel. I remember Alicia, Gayla and I were up talking one night about how when we got married, we would bring our husbands and all have a slumber party in our old room...boy were we naive!!!! I don't think any of our hubby's would agree to that now!!!

Saturday

Saturday is a special day, it's the day we get ready for Sunday... We all know this song. But it's so true! It's amazing how different I feel when my house is clean on Sunday morning. It doesn't usually end up staying clean, but that's what Monday morning is for, right?

Tomorrow we are celebrating Dustyn's 3rd birthday, but it's really on Monday. I can't believe he's already 3! He is such a sweet boy. His big, chocolate brown eyes just melt me. He has his moments, as we all do. But, he is a good boy and I would trade him for anything!

Hey Mom?!?!?

"Hey Mom, Dustyn kickeded me!" Geez...really? After having the most amazing over-nighter with my husband, I really don't have a lot of patience today. I'm totally sleep deprived and freezing! I'm thinking a hot shower sounds good, but there's no point in taking a shower before I exercise. That hasn't happened yet because I'm lacking motivation thanks to my sleep deprivation. It's a rather vicious circle of emotions. Hopefully I can pull out of it long enough to make dinner!

First time blogger

I never thought I would ever start a blog. Here's to starting something new!