My Biggest Trial (so far)

I think I'm finally ready to put my thoughts into blog form. Although I am still struggling with some aspects of this, I really think that getting this out of my system will be therapeutic for me.
I was admitted into Kadlec Medical Center on January 2 due to pre-eclampsia. The symptoms came much earlier with this pregnancy than with my first. Originally Josh and I went to the hospital because I was having severe pain in my stomach that was shooting to my right shoulder. I usually don't google symptoms, but I needed something to get my mind off the pain while I waited for Josh and Marianne to get to home. I thought it was gall stones. When the doctor told me how high my blood pressure was, and that the pre-ecalmpsia had now become severe and I was being admitted with the probability of delivering within the next 24 to 48 hours, I was in shock. I was not prepared for that kind of diagnosis, let alone the thought of delivering 7 1/2 weeks early. The words of the blessing our stake president gave me went through my mind, and for a moment I felt that I had been lied to. He said everything would turn out ok, that this pregnancy would go the way we wanted it to. At the time of the blessing I thought the pregnancy and delivery would go as smoothly as Emily's had. I realized I had to redefine "ok" and decide what I really wanted. "Ok" meant we would survive, and I really wanted to live. Josh gave me another blessing before I was officially admitted, and he blessed Natalie and myself that we would be fine and all would be well. It was a long day. I experienced so many emotions and thought of every possible scenario. I was put on magnesium, which meant I was stuck in my bed with nothing to do but think. I thought about my kids, and wondered how this would affect them. Who would take care of them during the day? How would Braxton get to school? Would they understand why their mom wasn't there with them? I thought about my husband. How would he handle work and playing single dad? Would he be able to pay the bills, help Braxton with his homework and get the kids to bed on time? Most of all, I thought about Natalie. When all was said and done, would she still be with us? How long would she have to be in the NICU? Would there be any long term effects?
Monday, January 3rd, went about the same. I slept a lot. My blood pressure was still high, but was staying consistent. My labs weren't getting worse. I had the second steroid shot to help Natalie's lungs develop in case she needed to be delivered early. Tuesday went much better. I felt so much better. My doctor said they would take me off the magnesium, and if things stayed the same they would keep me until I was 34 weeks, send me home and let whatever happens happen. He really didn't see that as a realistic goal, but that was the plan. I was so optimistic. I was almost 33 weeks, so I would only have to stay in the hospital for another 9 days. That night the nurses moved me from the labor/delivery room I was currently in, to a recovery room. Early Wednesday morning, my body took a turn for the worse. The pain came back in my stomach and shoulder. My blood pressure was threw the roof. I couldn't breath...I could barely think. I finally called Josh around 3:30 a.m. and told him I needed him to be there. He arrived an hour later, and I just kept going downhill. I started throwing up every so often, even though I didn't have anything left after a while. I couldn't control my bodily fluids. At 5:30 a.m., it was decided that I was going to have to be delivered. The NICU nurse came in around 6 a.m. to explain what would be done and how they would take care of Natalie, and I could only sob. I think Josh half listened to what she was saying, but I know he was very concerned for me. Finally around 7:30 a.m. my nurse was able to give me something to help with the pain. I was able to lay back and rest. It wore off much quicker that it should've, and I ended up getting 3 doses in an hour and a half. They were only suppose to give me one dose every hour at the earliest. Dr. Smith came in to explain to Josh why I was going to be delivered, and I realized how serious this pain was. Because of where the pain was, they were afraid of my liver exploding, in which case both Natalie and myself would probably die. They wheeled me into the operating room just after 9 in the morning. The pain was coming back pretty strong by this time, and I was ready for it to be over. I am very grateful to have had a C-Section. I knew what to expect and I could relax. I started to cry when I heard Natalie cry. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. She sounded so normal and healthy. The greatest blessing I received throughout this process is that Natalie was never in jeopardy. Her heart rate never dropped or accelerated. She was perfectly safe, to which I will always be grateful. Josh got to hold her and I got to kiss her face before she was taken to the NICU. I was stapled up and sent back to my room. Physically, I continued to improve. I was put back on the magnesium for a couple days to help regulate my blood pressure. I was sent home Saturday January 8th. It wasn't hard to leave Natalie in the hospital. As I healed and got feeling better, it became harder and harder to leave her there. I was ready to take care of her, and hated that I couldn't yet.
Emotionally I am still trying to heal. It's been very difficult for me to come to terms with the fact that it was MY fault Natalie came early. I hate that I had no control over that. I'm trying very hard to be grateful for the beautiful children we have, but sometimes I cry for the children I thought we would be able to have. I wasn't ready to be done, especially when I wasn't able to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy with Natalie. But, physically I know my body can't handle it. I hate knowing that I came very close to not being able to raise my children, and not having any control over it. I prayed desperately to be granted the opportunity to grow old with my husband and watch our family grow together.
I am so grateful that my time here on earth is not over, that I still have a purpose here. I am SO grateful that my precious little daughter was born a fighter, and she has thrived in her short month on this earth. I will be eternally indebted to those who eagerly volunteered to help my family, and continued to do so even after Natalie and I came home. I am grateful to a loving Father in Heaven who loves me and understands my concerns, my needs and my wants and does what is best for me. I may have questions at times as to why things happen the way they do, but I do not doubt that He knows and loves me and only has my best interests in mind.
I do not think the issues I am struggling with will go away quickly, but being able to write about it has helped immensely. If nothing else, it has helped me see the miracles that occured while I was sick, and appreciate the fact that I am better. "My (daughter), peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.” D&C 121:7-8

Where I Stand

There have been a couple issues on facebook that have been bothering me for a while. It's finally come to the point where I feel I need to "declare" myself and put it to rest. WARNING: These issues are sensitive. If you get offended easily, you should probably stop reading. Please note, however, this is just MY opinion and where I stand.
The first - whether or not to have your boys circumcised. Josh and I made the decision with Braxton to have the procedure done. I think the deciding factor was that it was a procedure done in the scriptures to show obedience to Christ. I know that there is no religious affiliation today, but we felt good about our decision and went ahead. He didn't cry any harder during the process than he did when he was getting immunizations. Dustyn was a little different. We were in the middle of changing pediatric clinics when he was born. By the time the issue came up, he was too old to be circumcised in the office. However, he was declared to have what's called a penial torsion, which made it "medically necessary" to have his foreskin removed. He was 11 months old when it was done. He was put under general anesthesia and came out of it just fine. From the research I've done, there may be a few more pros to having it done, but those pros don't really mean anything stacked against the cons. My problem stems from others who have very strong, aggressive opinions that suggest that I am an unworthy mother for letting this happen to my sons. Here's my thought on the matter. Whether you do, or whether you don't it's up to you. Don't act like you're protecting your son from a fate worse that death because you're not comfortable with the procedure. Claiming that your son is still "intact" suggests that my sons are missing something; that they are no longer whole. Bull. There are greater risks to having our children immunized. They cry just as hard. The effects of an allergic reaction could be deadly. I have to disagree to those who feel circumcision is barbaric. Come on, really? It's not like the doctors and parents come together for the intention of putting these boys threw "unspeakable pain" and laugh as the procedure is done. There is nothing wrong with parents who choose this for their sons...there is nothing wrong with parents who don't. There are greater injustices to blog about - how to protect our children from sexual predators; how to protect our nation from others who feel we are undeserving of all we have been blessed with. I understand that there are some who have had terrible experiences, and their sons may have not healed as well as mine. Share your story, share your opinion, but STOP looking down on others who choose differently than you.
Second - Babies: The Movie. I have seen about five seconds of this movie, and that was five seconds too much. Any movie with exposed body parts is not ok in my book. Some feel it is an accomplishment to let your children watch it and "not freak out" that there are naked women in it. This is where I stand. I am trying very hard to raise two worthy priesthood holders. Allowing them to see women baring all to nurse their babies is not going to help me in my quest. In my opinion, it's an innocent form of pornography. I understand that this movie was not made with the intention of arousing sexual feelings. It's simply a documentary on how mothers nurse in different cultures. But my sons are old enough that these images could stick in their heads, and have some very damaging effects later. This is also why we will never have Barbies in our home. My boys had the chance to play with cousins last weekend, and they were all playing with barbies. Watching them dress and undress these dolls was a very uncomfortable experience. They will have the opportunity to explore the female body when they are married. Naked dolls with a nice rack is not what my boys need to see or be around.
Alright, those are my issues and getting them out makes me feel much better. I'm not trying to start a debate, or cause hard feelings. I just felt I needed to declare where I stand. Now you know.

Mr. Braxton

Thursday was NOT a good day. I was trying to get the house clean, and needed to go grocery shopping. I had a parent/teacher conference I needed to attend also. My three sweet angels were not helping. I went to the conference, very pleased to hear how much Braxton is progressing. His school was having their book fair, so I bought a few books thinking about how my kids love getting new books. I handed them out in the car on the way to buy our groceries. We didn't last five minutes before contention hit. One wanted to trade, the others didn't. I made them share, and the others would get upset. We turned around and came home. I knew going anywhere with these feelings was only going to end in disaster. I made the kids come inside, and I locked myself in the bathroom and had a good cry. I've been battling a cold for about a week, and that combined with third trimester discomfort, sleep has been scarce. Braxton let me cry for about 10 minutes before he knocked on the door and told me we needed to talk about it. I unlocked the door, and we sat on the couch to talk. He let me know why he was upset, and I did the same. I had a thought that maybe part of the problem was that, since Braxton has been in school, I have felt disconnected somehow. So, I arranged for Dustyn and Emily to wait at Grandma's until Dad was done with work. Braxton and I went out. We ate Chinese food, and then he became my "big helper" and we got the shopping done. After we got home, he continued to shine. He made sure all the bags got brought in. I really needed that 1 on 1 time with him. He is such a sweet, caring boy, and I am so thankful to have him as the "Big Brother" to the rest of my children.

Pregnant...

Alright, so I was planning on getting my pre-pregnancy body back before having another baby. Ummm...too late! I discovered I was expecting Wednesday, June 23. I am SO tired. I can't remember being this tired with past pregnancies. I feel like there is something different about this pregnancy, and I can't really explain what. It's the same way I knew I was pregnant, even when the blood test came back negative. I just feel so different with this one. Maybe it's twins, maybe this baby will have special needs, maybe I'm just crazy...who knows. I'm just super excited to have another little one in our family. I think I'm the most excited about having a newborn. That is my favorite phase. I love how tiny babies are, how cuddly and dependant they are on their moms. I'm sure some people think we're nuts for having another one, but I know it's time. And I can't wait to find out the gender and feel him/her start kicking. I love how excited Braxton is and how he asks me about the baby every morning when he wakes up. I love this time of my life. I am not looking forward to getting old!!!

Music

I LOVE music. I love all different kinds of music. The only music I really don't like is rap, hard rock, anything raunchy and jazz. I have music everywhere...on my computer, on my phone, in every room of my house. Braxton and Dustyn fall asleep every night to primary songs, and as a result, they love to sing and know many songs by heart. Emily is starting to pick up on it, even though she doesn't know all the words. I am so grateful that I was born into a family who is musical, and that I inherited some of those gifts. I love that I can pass that onto my children. I'm glad that even though there are many members of my family, and we are all very different, the one thing we will always have in common is music.

Sisters

I really miss my sisters sometimes. I miss all the stupid things we use to do and talk about. I have 5 sisters. We are all married now with children and lives of our own. We don't keep in touch very well, and sometimes it's really hard. I miss living close to Venessa, who is one of my hero's. I miss living in Rexburg and spending quality time with Katrina...and our Sonic runs. I miss weekends in Salt Lake with Monique and Chinese food and all the things we use to do together. I miss sharing a room with Alicia and buying Totino's pizzas when the parents would go out of town. I miss cheering with Gayla, and being the dynamic duo. (Strange how most of my memories involve food...) We don't get the chance to get together very often, and when we do we're always chasing kids and dealing with the craziness of family. I hope they know I miss them, and love them very much. You could say I'm sappy and sentimental, but that doesn't change how I feel. I remember Alicia, Gayla and I were up talking one night about how when we got married, we would bring our husbands and all have a slumber party in our old room...boy were we naive!!!! I don't think any of our hubby's would agree to that now!!!

Saturday

Saturday is a special day, it's the day we get ready for Sunday... We all know this song. But it's so true! It's amazing how different I feel when my house is clean on Sunday morning. It doesn't usually end up staying clean, but that's what Monday morning is for, right?

Tomorrow we are celebrating Dustyn's 3rd birthday, but it's really on Monday. I can't believe he's already 3! He is such a sweet boy. His big, chocolate brown eyes just melt me. He has his moments, as we all do. But, he is a good boy and I would trade him for anything!